A while back I wrote a blog about divorce guilt. I talked about my own experience with guilt after I chose to file for divorce. I recently saw a post where a woman had taken a negative stance on divorce using her religious beliefs as the argument and it got me thinking.
Why is there so much negativity and shame associated with the process of divorce? The obvious reasons, im aware of, but let’s dive a little deeper.
Is it the fear of failure?
All of the above?
I too was the person who believed that divorce was one of the ultimate failures and disappointments to God before reaching a point where it was either leave my toxic marriage, or lose my entire mind. When it comes to divorce, it’s not what you envision as the end result when you get married. You don’t stand at that altar thinking, “hmm, one day we’ll get divorced.” That’s not how it works, but reality is, when it comes to the process of divorce, everyone’s views aren’t the same and when you express your desire to file, some people will try to guilt you into staying. Some people will also use scripture to support their argument. Remember, those aren’t your people.
Let me share a story with you, I can remember the point when my marriage was in complete shambles. I’m kind of hesitant to share this story but I hope it helps someone. I had already left mentally and had shared my intentions to file for divorce when one Sunday we were called to the altar. My spouse at the time, and I were called to the altar to have our marriage prayed over. A surprise altar call during a Sunday morning service… I have never in my entire life been so livid during a prayer. I can remember becoming angrier every minute that prayer continued. I can remember being pissed at every damn person who reached their hand towards that altar. My stomach began to hurt. My palms were sweaty. I was holding one of my children and I can remember my grasp tightening.
I didn’t bow my head.
I didn’t hold his hand.
I didn’t close my eyes and I think I may have been cursing in my head. No, I was in fact cursing in my head standing at that sacred altar.
In that moment, I didn’t want prayer to hold together a failing marriage that I no longer wanted to be in, I wanted prayer and support in my decision to leave.
Yes, prayer changes things, but sometimes we can pray for the wrong things. It was that very moment that my thinking began to change.
Dear church folk,
Please stop encouraging people to stay in toxic marriages after they’ve expressed their desire to leave. After they’ve told you they’re unhappy, and after they’ve turned down your offer for counseling and prayer. All in the name of God and your personal and religious beliefs! It’s selfish, and can be dangerous.
Let me be clear, my stance on divorce has no ties to my thoughts on marriage, and maybe one day I’ll talk about my thoughts on marriage.
I’ll end with this. The ability to file for divorce was MY ticket to freedom. The finalization of my divorce was my answered prayer.
Until next time…🦋
Kevin Hart’s documentary, I want to start this off on a positive note. This man’s work ethic is superhuman. He makes you want to go harder and adopt a “by any means necessary” mentality! I also felt that way after reading his book which, by the way, was brilliant!
Now, the real reason for this blog. After watching the documentary I felt some kind of way when he discussed his infidelity.
“When did cheating became such a forgivable act?”
Cheating, the new acceptable norm. His wife Eniko said I’m about forgiveness. She says, I told him he gets three strikes and this is two. As I listened to this beautiful young woman speak through hurt and tears I hung my head in embarrassment and sadness for her because at one point in time I was that gullible, that silly. I saw the lack of her own personal self worth as she spoke about wanting her son to have the opportunity to grow up with his dad. I don’t speak from a space of what I would do IF it happened to me. I speak from a space of it DID happen to me. I too was that pregnant woman, that new mom who was a victim of infidelity. I know all to well the strong desire to stick it out for the kids, but on the flip side I know how staying can create an indescribable amount of anger, resentment, loss of self esteem and loss of actual self in that process.
Watching the documentary I noticed that there was a lack of accountability on Kevin’s part when it came to his cheating. I also noticed that no one in his camp held him accountable. From his friends, “we weren’t there to watch him, to tap him on the shoulder and say nigga what you doing?” Why on earth would a grown ass man need babysitters? Why would his behavior need to be monitored? What does this say? To me it says that this behavior is normal. The camera was placed in the room because that individual knew something was going to happen. Kevin Hart putting into a comedy routine what he tried to hide is NOT showing accountability, it’s a forced admission of guilt. He seemed more hurt and upset at the possibility of it being a long time friend exposing him, then he was publicly humiliating his pregnant wife! It truly makes my blood boil.
Hear me when I say, there is no amount of money, private jets, lavished vacations, long D or forced public apologies that would make me stay. Hell, I left broke.
I don’t think individuals think of how cheating impacts not only their spouse or significant others, but several others. In Kevin’s case, because of his celebrity status, his stupidity was shown around the world through channels that even his children had access to. I can remember seeing the tweets of people talking reckless about Eniko. Paparazzi all in her face asking about his infidelity, if she knew the girl, all while being super pregnant. Do people know how hard pregnancy can be without any drama? I can’t even imagine the level of sadness and humiliation this young woman had to endure.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, one does not accidentally cheat. Cheating is a choice. One chooses to dishonor their vows, spouse or significant other by stepping outside of the relationship. Also, cheating isn’t always physical but when it is, one doesn’t accidentally fall into some pussy the same way one doesn’t just slip and land on a dick. They CHOOSE to.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re being cheated on and are unsure of what you should do, know that you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. Know that, if you leave your children will be okay. Know that God won’t love you any less (because some folks will try to guilt you into staying with “the word”). Know that you’re worth more than someone CHOOSING to step out on the marriage or relationship.
Until next time…🦋