It’s Okay To Schedule Sex

DISCLAIMER: This blog is all about sex, and if the topic makes you uncomfortable, or if you’re underage click out now. This blog is for consenting adults.

Back in my hay day, spontaneous sex was the absolute best and something I knew well. You know that sex that just happened anytime and anywhere. That sex on the side of the road in the car. That sex in the office after hours…I’m talking about that sex.

Today, while there is the occasional spontaneous session, sex looks a bit different. It’s a little more edited. Now notice I said edited, not boring.

In a marriage or relationship that include working adults, children, and side hustles, sometimes things change. No, actually, things do change. You now have to juggle your time between, work, kids activities, being a mom, being a wife and me time.

Remember that spontaneous sex talk in the beginning of this blog. Yeah, well when you’re now juggling all the things, sometimes you have to pencil in sex.

*Brief interruption…shout out to all my co-sleepers AND parents of older children that don’t sleep! We the real MVPs! Keep reading.*

Now let’s talk about a regular day in the life scenarios and how to pencil IT in…

Scenario 1: Get up, get dressed, exercise (maybe), fix lunches, drop off kids, commuting, 8-10 hour work day, kid activities, come home to cook, help with homework, qt with the kids, and by this time, depending on the work day, this could end around 9, 10 or 11 PM.

Scenario 2: Get up, get dressed, exercise/meditate (maybe), get up littles, work at home, chase kids, work, fix kids lunch, break up fights, work, kids nap time, do some laundry, start dinner, shower before mate gets home, serve dinner, bathe kids, put them to bed 5 times. By this time, it’s 8:30, 9, 10 PM.

Sound familiar? Now these are two different scenarios, but both of them are long days, and in most cases, M-F. If you fall into one of those scenarios, or somewhere in between, pencilling in sex is totally okay! I will say this, it’s going to take a bit of creativity, but make it fun! First thing, decide how often you want to have sex. Maybe you’re a M, W, F or a T, Th, Sat or perhaps you’re a W, Sat. You get the picture. Sit down with your partner and pencil it in. Flirt while you do it.

Warning: this activity may lead to impromptu sex.

Leading up to it, send cute little messages throughout the day. After 14 years, we still text dirty. Keep that spark alive! Get creative! If it’s the day, make sure you stick to your daily schedule. Get done what you need to get done. Quite honestly, it will make you more motivated to finish all the things a bit early knowing what’s coming later. Put those kids in the bed, turn on “THE” playlist and get to work.

Now remember me mentioning the older children that don’t sleep and the co-sleepers? Yeah this is where you get creative with the “how to get it done”. My truth, my kids are older. They know that if our door is closed and locked, just head to bed. Now to my co-sleepers, I was once you. Pallets on the floor, next to the bed. Meet me in the shower. Break out the cuffs. The honey. The hot oil. Blindfolds. Role play. Humph, I am NOT above playing a naughty student to the teacher…You get my point. It does not have to be boring.

Let’s discuss what happens if you just don’t feel up to it? Rescheduling sex is perfectly okay. Sometimes you’re just tired or sometimes your mate done got on your nerves and you have an attitude lol. For myself, the conversation usually goes like this;

“Hey babe, I know we have us time tonight but…” and usually the reply is, “I’m tired too” followed by laughter. We just vibe like that.

Remember that sex in a relationship is important. No, it’s not everything, but it’s a big part. Knowing what your partner needs and likes is also important. People, don’t be afraid to, or feel ashamed if you schedule sex. How you get there is not important as long as you get there.

Now before I go, say it with me 📣:

Scheduling sex is okay.

Scheduling doesn’t = boring

Until next time…🦋

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How To Successfully Work From Home With Or Without Children

Hello & Welcome to all of those new to the Work From Home World. I’m Jazmine and I’m going to be sharing with you some useful tips and advice to help you be successful!

Let me share a little bit about myself. I am a corporate employee. I work in medical compliance and I’ve been with the same company for almost 13 years. I have also worked from home several days a week for several years now, so I know a thing or two about making it work.

Working from home, while a wonderful thing, requires a strict level of discipline. Why? Because you’re at home, in your sanctuary, with several distractions. Your TV, your bed, your fridge, and the ever so lovely gift of not being seen.

For myself, I’m on my laptop all day, and my team and I communicate via an online messaging system. If your place of employment is like mine, they can track your every move, but if you’re disciplined and doing your job, shouldn’t be a problem right?

Now, let’s throw in another factor. Working from home itself can be challenging, but working from home with children is even more of a challenge. Right now we are in a crisis, and most schools are closed due to Covid-19. My children are out for a month. So this means for some not only is working from home new, but working from home with children is also new!

Today I’m going to share with you some Do’s & Dont’s to help you transition, and these tips should also be helpful to those who currently work from home.

The Do’s

• Develop a daily routine & plan your day. I find a planner helpful for this, physical or digital.

• Set a time to get up and stick to it. Get up like you’re going to work. Yes, this means getting up to shower and get dressed. You can even throw on a little make up. Remember folks, you are still going to work. I’m not saying, a full beat face, power suit and heels. Yours pants or sweats are definitely allowed.

• Eat breakfast. I can’t stress this enough! Some people aren’t breakfast people, I’m one, but remember that food is fuel. Even if it’s a smoothie, put something in your stomach.

• Meal Prep! Thank me later. Even if you work from home, meal prepping is a life and time saver. You can meal prep breakfast and lunch. One of my go-tos, boiled eggs and yogurt bowls. You can boil enough for the week, put them in baggies, and the do just fine in the fridge. I buy individual yogurt cups (link to my favorite brand) http://www.goodyogurt.com/lower-sugar-yogurt/?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=two_good_yogurt&utm_campaign=two_good_Brand_Brand_google_exact&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8sj-wsaf6AIVmMBkCh15ngA6EAAYASAAEgLaqvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds I then bag up my granola and fruit. Lunch, I’m a sheet pan meal prep girl. Chicken and veggies. Salmon, potatoes and asparagus. All you need is parchment paper, a cookie sheet and an oven. Quick and easy.

• Work in an office space (if you don’t have a dedicated office space, create a nook/corner. You can use a TV tray or whatever)

• Take breaks – if you work an 8 hour day, follow the 1 hour lunch and two 15 minute break rule. Take a real lunch. Here is a bonus of working from home. You can use your lunch to, walk your dog (if you have one). Start dinner. Do some laundry, or…work on your blog.

• Create business hours and limit your contact with your family and friends. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Let you friends and loved ones that you’ll be unavailable except for emergencies during these hours (whatever you choose). I know this one well and learned the hard way.

• Be mindful of your posture and take stretch breaks. You don’t have the ergonomically created space that you do in the office, at home, so make sure you aren’t slouched all day. We don’t need no hunchbacks later in life. Also, work in good lighting. No need for unnecessary eye strain.

• Keep track of time and create timelines. For me, everyday I have assigned cases with some ad hoc stuff so I prioritize! Prioritization is a life saver. I dedicate a certain amount of time to cases, because those HAVE to be completed because of regulatory rules. I then create windows of time for everything else.

• No TV. I mean hey, if you feel like you can do both, then by all means, but TV is a distraction. If you need noise, turn on some music. When I’m in my office, my headphones are in my ears ALL DAY.

The Dont’s

• Do not, I repeat, DO NOT work from your bed. One, it isn’t good for your back. Two, it’s a setup.

• Don’t skip breaks and lunches in the name of work. I find that I work more when I’m home than when I’m in the office. This can be avoided by creating balance and keeping your in office mindset while at home.

• Do not take personal calls if you aren’t on breaks and lunch. You must create boundaries to get your work done.

• Stay off social media. I know, I know, but it’s another distraction that you don’t need, and trust me, it can wait. They ain’t talking about nothin but Covid-19 anyway.

Working from home with kids:

Now depending on the age of your child/children, this is going to vary.

• Create a schedule for them. This can apply to the 2+. You’d be surprised at how well younger children adapt to routines. Contrary to popular belief, kids crave structure. Now, what should the schedule look like? That’s completely up to you. Things you can use; arts & crafts, online learning and screen time. Yes folks that’s right, screen time is okay. Everything in moderation.

• Nap time for those with littles. Naps are God’s gifts to parents and they are meltdown preventatives.

• Feed them when you feed yourself and for those with little rebellious ones, if they don’t want to eat when you eat, make sure you have pre-planned snacks. Having snacks readily available is so helpful.

• For those with older children like myself, have “the talk”. The just because I’m working from home doesn’t mean I’m not working talk. Let them know that you are not available to make breakfast or lunch. Let them know that they don’t need to bother you in your space unless it’s an emergency. Create boundaries with them. Don’t be an ass about it, but set some ground rules.

Whew, I know that was a lot! I hope that this information is helpful to you.

Let’s use this time of crisis to get closer to our loved ones. Spend the quality time with your children, your mate and your family member. Use this time to experiment with new dishes, to eat more healthy. Start those projects you’ve been putting off. Launch that business. Activate that dream. Start that YouTube channel. Batch write and film film film! Limit your time watching the news, that mess while informative can drain your spirit. Oh, and remember to wash your hands 😉.

Remember, I am no expert. I am just sharing from my experience. If this was helpful to you, leave me a comment and please feel to share!

Until next time…🦋

Your Child’s Mental Health Matters

Growing up Black, children didn’t have permission to have issues. We weren’t allowed to be stressed because how could a child possibly be stressed? We didn’t have to go to a 9-5 everyday, pay bills or support a family. Our “little” struggles in no way compared to what the adults were experiencing.

Growing up, the mental struggles of children were often minimized and dismissed based on the beliefs that they weren’t that serious. The minimizing of my struggles led to my first suicide attempt in 1996. Now, at that time having kids weren’t in the cards for me but once I became parent I vowed to always listen and take into consideration what my children expressed. I vowed to pay attention to the things they said and the things they didn’t say.

As cliche as it sounds, a mother always knows. God gave us a special kind of intuition that allows us to see into the souls of our children. I’ve talked about listening with your heart in a previous blog.

Fact, kids go through things and while they may seem insignificant to you, it’s a big deal to them. In my 40 plus years here on Earth, I’ve learned that we don’t get to tell people how to feel. As adults we’ve developed skills that help us to deal with issues, children are still in the molding stage.

Recently I started doing weekly mental check-ins in our family group chat. I simply text, “Mental health check-in! How y’all doing?” I give them the option of texting me individually in the event that they don’t want to share with everyone.

A few weeks ago my son expressed how school was stressing him out and how life was hard for him in the moment. He felt like he needed a mental health day, which I allowed him. Now, in addition to allowing your children moments to decompress, teaching them how to successfully deal with adversity is even more important. Life ain’t always pretty, and they have to be strong enough to deal with the not so great moments.

I had a conversation with someone recently about today’s generation of children and their inability to deal with hard situations. Can we blame them? I at times feel like we who were raised by “old school” parents have handicapped our children emotionally by trying to NOT be as hard on them as our parents were on us. Well let me speak for myself, I know I’m guilty.

Providing them a safe space that supports their mental health is important. Not making the topic taboo or linking mental health and crazy together is also important. Teaching them to talk about what they’re dealing with while you listen without judgment. The other piece of this is teaching them how to deal with problems and issues. Helping them to understand that life won’t always be favorable.

Here are three easy ways you can help your children with their mental health:

  • Have a conversation about the importance of mental health
  • Weekly check-ins or however often you feel is appropriate.
  • Incorporation of therapy if necessary.

I hope that this helps you to start healthy conversations with your children about their mental health!

Until next time…🦋

Relationship Realities

What I’ve learned over the last 14 years, in no particular order.

“We were the episode of friends turned lovers.”

We battled with our identity as a same sex couple.

We lived unbalanced in the co-parenting space for quite sometime (and still do somedays) but we make it work.

We successfully defeated the battle of the EX and overcame the loss of friendships.

We held each other down through sickness.

Some days we questioned whether or not this thing would work but we realized that a relationship is a partnership that requires equal parts of give and take.

We navigated our way through unnecessary financial hardships learning that successfully managing finances takes teamwork.

We learned that if you can’t play, laugh and have fun like children, is it even worth it?

We learned that friendship before relationship builds a solid foundation.

We learned that sex is a vital part of a relationship. The necessity of intimacy and continued dating after commitment is important.

We learned that having social lives outside of the relationship is vital to its survival. You need a separate source for recharging so you don’t drain the relationship’s battery.

We learned that moments of disagreement aren’t fatal. In fact, it often leads to healthy communication skills when maturity is involved.

We learned that a relationship absent of trust is not a relationship.

We learned that allowing your significant other to put their cold feet on you to get warm is one of the highest acts of kindness.

We learned that love is the glue that holds it all together. That there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, just two people committed to making it work.

Hot Flashes are From Hell!

Imagine sitting in a meeting and out of no where you feel sweat beads forming on top of your lip while heat begins to fill various parts of your body at a rapid rate! Now all eyes are on you as you grab a piece of paper to quickly craft a makeshift fan.
I’m not talking about your average heat, I’m talking about an internal heat that can’t be extinguished or doused with water. An internal heat the gives you an instant attitude. A heat that makes sweat roll down your back. A heat that makes you feel like naked is the only option. A heat that can make you feel like you’re going to pass all the way out.

Disrespectful heat is what it is. There’s no warning and no quick fix. A year into my 40’s and this was my welcoming gift. I used to laugh at my older friends who complained about hot flashes, laughing and bragging about not being able to relate. I should have kept my mouth closed.
Not familiar with hot flashes? Let’s discuss!
Hot Flashes: heat waves that take over your body, created and managed by satan himself.
Okay, no really, what are they?
Sudden feeling of warmth, usually most intense over the face, neck, and chest, and profuse sweating, commonly due to menopause
Common causes of this symptom
Hot flashes can have causes that aren’t due to underlying disease. Examples include embarrassment, eating hot food, drinking hot drinks, eating spicy food, menopause, or an adrenal rush from a dangerous situation.
It’s not just menopause, but in my case it is, and generally it begins in your 40’s.
Here are a few things that help me:
  • Always have water on hand. Preferably a temperature regulated hydro flask
  • A battery operated hand held fan. Honey let me tell you, lifesaver! They even have fancy ones that can be attached to a water bottle
  • Cold water on the face or cold paper towels/towel on the back of the neck
To my fellow sisters, always remember, “real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges”
Until next time…🦋

The Power of Visualization

When you think visualization, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Do you think hocus pocus bs? New age stuff? Well let me explain to you what is is and why I now swear by it!

Visualization: Visualization is the process of putting together visual mental imagery of what you are wanting to manifest. Consequently, you can start to gain emotions associated with the desired image. In simpler terms, creative visualization is where you visualize what you want and experience the emotions or feelings you would have if it were true.

In essence, what you think about, you bring about.

I was introduced to The Secret/Law of Attraction several years ago. Growing up Southern Baptist and super religious, this was crazy talk based on what I’d been taught, but the more I read and the more I studied, the more it made sense. I began comparing what I’d been taught growing up with what I was currently learning and noticed so many similarities! What they were calling The Law of Attraction was what I knew as “speak things as though they were”. What they called meditation, we called prayer and so on and so forth.

Currently in the process of revamping my morning routine and making some overall life changes, I decided to put what I’d learned to use.

My plan, be more intentional about how I spend every minute of my day and what I choose to focus my energy on. This included thinking more positive and practicing visualization to get what I want and get to where I want to be vs focusing on where I am and what I don’t have. This includes doing the actual work. One thing that’s for certain, the mind is an amazing thing! I’ve always been amazed how we can think ourselves sad. Think ourselves to the point of irritation. Allow our thoughts to talk us out of opportunities. If it’s powerful enough for those things, I’m sure it’s capable of the opposite!

I recently rewatched The Secret. No lie, I watch it about once a week, and no, I’m not tired of it. In The Secret they talk about visualization. They say to think about what it is you want and imagine yourself having it, or having that experience. I’ve heard it a million times but this time I heard it differently. It’s almost like that part became louder while everything around me went silent.

In that moment I decided to add it to my morning routine as part of my daily practice.

Now please understand, I am no expert and this is just my experience.

A few weeks ago I began. I’d get in the shower, close my eyes and start visualizing my day. How I wanted it to go. I’d visualize close parking spaces, things I needed, an overall positive experience. At first I felt kind of silly but I continued. Most recent, my girlfriend and I were going out for the day. We had a bunch of errands to run, and it was the weekend. During my morning visualization, I visualized a park in front of every establishment we went to. I kid you not, there was a park in front of every place we went to!

Coincidence, I thought to myself, but I needed to try it again.

Isn’t it funny how we will visualize, pray or ask for something or a sign, then we get it and not believe that’s it? Both hands raised!

That was me in this case. So I decided to try it with something else. I was in need of a 2020 planner. I decided that I’d visualize my new planner. I visualized a pretty pink planner with a pineapple on it. Well, we went to Office Max, walked in, looked around for a bit then headed to the planners. I turned my head and there it was, a beautiful pink planner with a big pineapple on the front. I gasped! Y’all, I was shook and excited! If it works for parking spaces and planners, what else will it work for?

I’ve now made Visualization part of my daily practice! Do you practice visualization? I’d love to hear about your experience!

Before I go…I was hesitant to share with anyone fearing that no one would believe me, or they’d think I was crazy. When I embarked on a more spiritual path I was called crazy. Told that I was being influenced by the devil. Told that I was fake. I’m always amazed at how people will mock, judge or dismiss what they don’t understand or what doesn’t align with their beliefs. I guarantee you, we can all coexist peacefully if we choose to. During this period, I came across this beautiful quote:

Until next time…🦋

Divorce Is Not A Bad Word

A while back I wrote a blog about divorce guilt. I talked about my own experience with guilt after I chose to file for divorce. I recently saw a post where a woman had taken a negative stance on divorce using her religious beliefs as the argument and it got me thinking.
Why is there so much negativity and shame associated with the process of divorce? The obvious reasons, im aware of, but let’s dive a little deeper.
Is it the fear of failure?
Shame?
Religious beliefs?
All of the above?
I too was the person who believed that divorce was one of the ultimate failures and disappointments to God before reaching a point where it was either leave my toxic marriage, or lose my entire mind. When it comes to divorce, it’s not what you envision as the end result when you get married. You don’t stand at that altar thinking, “hmm, one day we’ll get divorced.” That’s not how it works, but reality is, when it comes to the process of divorce, everyone’s views aren’t the same and when you express your desire to file, some people will try to guilt you into staying. Some people will also use scripture to support their argument. Remember, those aren’t your people.
Let me share a story with you, I can remember the point when my marriage was in complete shambles. I’m kind of hesitant to share this story but I hope it helps someone. I had already left mentally and had shared my intentions to file for divorce when one Sunday we were called to the altar. My spouse at the time, and I were called to the altar to have our marriage prayed over. A surprise altar call during a Sunday morning service… I have never in my entire life been so livid during a prayer. I can remember becoming angrier every minute that prayer continued. I can remember being pissed at every damn person who reached their hand towards that altar. My stomach began to hurt. My palms were sweaty. I was holding one of my children and I can remember my grasp tightening.
I didn’t bow my head.
I didn’t hold his hand.
I didn’t close my eyes and I think I may have been cursing in my head. No, I was in fact cursing in my head standing at that sacred altar.
In that moment, I didn’t want prayer to hold together a failing marriage that I no longer wanted to be in, I wanted prayer and support in my decision to leave.
Yes, prayer changes things, but sometimes we can pray for the wrong things. It was that very moment that my thinking began to change.
Dear church folk,
Please stop encouraging people to stay in toxic marriages after they’ve expressed their desire to leave. After they’ve told you they’re unhappy, and after they’ve turned down your offer for counseling and prayer. All in the name of God and your personal and religious beliefs! It’s selfish, and can be dangerous.
Let me be clear, my stance on divorce has no ties to my thoughts on marriage, and maybe one day I’ll talk about my thoughts on marriage.
I’ll end with this. The ability to file for divorce was MY ticket to freedom. The finalization of my divorce was my answered prayer.
Until next time…🦋

Weekly Style Roundup

This week’s style roundup features one look. Yes folks, that’s right! But this one look was fire!
This week we were blessed with some really good weather here in California, and by good I mean sun lol. While the days were cold, the sun was nice treat! This particular day began bright and sunny and I don’t know about you but there’s something magical about the sun, it puts me in a great mood!

The outfit…
I mean who said short shorts were just for winter? I decided to pair these stretchy H&M jean shorts ($14) with a Forever21 ribbed tank ($7), thrifted oversized mustard colored blazer (less than $4) from Savers, distressed tights and these spectacular thigh high boots ($72 splurge item) from ASOS!

I absolutely loved this look. The way I paired these shorts is a perfect way to integrate summer pieces into the winter. It’s all about layering! You don’t have to pack everything away, if you don’t want to. Those shorts, mini skirts, slip dresses and any other summer pieces can be worn in the winter.
Do you wear summer pieces in the winter?
That’s a wrap on this week’s look! Remember to keep it cute, comfortable and most important, keep it affordable!