Relationship Realities

What I’ve learned over the last 14 years, in no particular order.

“We were the episode of friends turned lovers.”

We battled with our identity as a same sex couple.

We lived unbalanced in the co-parenting space for quite sometime (and still do somedays) but we make it work.

We successfully defeated the battle of the EX and overcame the loss of friendships.

We held each other down through sickness.

Some days we questioned whether or not this thing would work but we realized that a relationship is a partnership that requires equal parts of give and take.

We navigated our way through unnecessary financial hardships learning that successfully managing finances takes teamwork.

We learned that if you can’t play, laugh and have fun like children, is it even worth it?

We learned that friendship before relationship builds a solid foundation.

We learned that sex is a vital part of a relationship. The necessity of intimacy and continued dating after commitment is important.

We learned that having social lives outside of the relationship is vital to its survival. You need a separate source for recharging so you don’t drain the relationship’s battery.

We learned that moments of disagreement aren’t fatal. In fact, it often leads to healthy communication skills when maturity is involved.

We learned that a relationship absent of trust is not a relationship.

We learned that allowing your significant other to put their cold feet on you to get warm is one of the highest acts of kindness.

We learned that love is the glue that holds it all together. That there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, just two people committed to making it work.

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Hot Flashes are From Hell!

Imagine sitting in a meeting and out of no where you feel sweat beads forming on top of your lip while heat begins to fill various parts of your body at a rapid rate! Now all eyes are on you as you grab a piece of paper to quickly craft a makeshift fan.
I’m not talking about your average heat, I’m talking about an internal heat that can’t be extinguished or doused with water. An internal heat the gives you an instant attitude. A heat that makes sweat roll down your back. A heat that makes you feel like naked is the only option. A heat that can make you feel like you’re going to pass all the way out.

Disrespectful heat is what it is. There’s no warning and no quick fix. A year into my 40’s and this was my welcoming gift. I used to laugh at my older friends who complained about hot flashes, laughing and bragging about not being able to relate. I should have kept my mouth closed.
Not familiar with hot flashes? Let’s discuss!
Hot Flashes: heat waves that take over your body, created and managed by satan himself.
Okay, no really, what are they?
Sudden feeling of warmth, usually most intense over the face, neck, and chest, and profuse sweating, commonly due to menopause
Common causes of this symptom
Hot flashes can have causes that aren’t due to underlying disease. Examples include embarrassment, eating hot food, drinking hot drinks, eating spicy food, menopause, or an adrenal rush from a dangerous situation.
It’s not just menopause, but in my case it is, and generally it begins in your 40’s.
Here are a few things that help me:
  • Always have water on hand. Preferably a temperature regulated hydro flask
  • A battery operated hand held fan. Honey let me tell you, lifesaver! They even have fancy ones that can be attached to a water bottle
  • Cold water on the face or cold paper towels/towel on the back of the neck
To my fellow sisters, always remember, “real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges”
Until next time…🦋

The Power of Visualization

When you think visualization, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Do you think hocus pocus bs? New age stuff? Well let me explain to you what is is and why I now swear by it!

Visualization: Visualization is the process of putting together visual mental imagery of what you are wanting to manifest. Consequently, you can start to gain emotions associated with the desired image. In simpler terms, creative visualization is where you visualize what you want and experience the emotions or feelings you would have if it were true.

In essence, what you think about, you bring about.

I was introduced to The Secret/Law of Attraction several years ago. Growing up Southern Baptist and super religious, this was crazy talk based on what I’d been taught, but the more I read and the more I studied, the more it made sense. I began comparing what I’d been taught growing up with what I was currently learning and noticed so many similarities! What they were calling The Law of Attraction was what I knew as “speak things as though they were”. What they called meditation, we called prayer and so on and so forth.

Currently in the process of revamping my morning routine and making some overall life changes, I decided to put what I’d learned to use.

My plan, be more intentional about how I spend every minute of my day and what I choose to focus my energy on. This included thinking more positive and practicing visualization to get what I want and get to where I want to be vs focusing on where I am and what I don’t have. This includes doing the actual work. One thing that’s for certain, the mind is an amazing thing! I’ve always been amazed how we can think ourselves sad. Think ourselves to the point of irritation. Allow our thoughts to talk us out of opportunities. If it’s powerful enough for those things, I’m sure it’s capable of the opposite!

I recently rewatched The Secret. No lie, I watch it about once a week, and no, I’m not tired of it. In The Secret they talk about visualization. They say to think about what it is you want and imagine yourself having it, or having that experience. I’ve heard it a million times but this time I heard it differently. It’s almost like that part became louder while everything around me went silent.

In that moment I decided to add it to my morning routine as part of my daily practice.

Now please understand, I am no expert and this is just my experience.

A few weeks ago I began. I’d get in the shower, close my eyes and start visualizing my day. How I wanted it to go. I’d visualize close parking spaces, things I needed, an overall positive experience. At first I felt kind of silly but I continued. Most recent, my girlfriend and I were going out for the day. We had a bunch of errands to run, and it was the weekend. During my morning visualization, I visualized a park in front of every establishment we went to. I kid you not, there was a park in front of every place we went to!

Coincidence, I thought to myself, but I needed to try it again.

Isn’t it funny how we will visualize, pray or ask for something or a sign, then we get it and not believe that’s it? Both hands raised!

That was me in this case. So I decided to try it with something else. I was in need of a 2020 planner. I decided that I’d visualize my new planner. I visualized a pretty pink planner with a pineapple on it. Well, we went to Office Max, walked in, looked around for a bit then headed to the planners. I turned my head and there it was, a beautiful pink planner with a big pineapple on the front. I gasped! Y’all, I was shook and excited! If it works for parking spaces and planners, what else will it work for?

I’ve now made Visualization part of my daily practice! Do you practice visualization? I’d love to hear about your experience!

Before I go…I was hesitant to share with anyone fearing that no one would believe me, or they’d think I was crazy. When I embarked on a more spiritual path I was called crazy. Told that I was being influenced by the devil. Told that I was fake. I’m always amazed at how people will mock, judge or dismiss what they don’t understand or what doesn’t align with their beliefs. I guarantee you, we can all coexist peacefully if we choose to. During this period, I came across this beautiful quote:

Until next time…🦋

Divorce Is Not A Bad Word

A while back I wrote a blog about divorce guilt. I talked about my own experience with guilt after I chose to file for divorce. I recently saw a post where a woman had taken a negative stance on divorce using her religious beliefs as the argument and it got me thinking.
Why is there so much negativity and shame associated with the process of divorce? The obvious reasons, im aware of, but let’s dive a little deeper.
Is it the fear of failure?
Shame?
Religious beliefs?
All of the above?
I too was the person who believed that divorce was one of the ultimate failures and disappointments to God before reaching a point where it was either leave my toxic marriage, or lose my entire mind. When it comes to divorce, it’s not what you envision as the end result when you get married. You don’t stand at that altar thinking, “hmm, one day we’ll get divorced.” That’s not how it works, but reality is, when it comes to the process of divorce, everyone’s views aren’t the same and when you express your desire to file, some people will try to guilt you into staying. Some people will also use scripture to support their argument. Remember, those aren’t your people.
Let me share a story with you, I can remember the point when my marriage was in complete shambles. I’m kind of hesitant to share this story but I hope it helps someone. I had already left mentally and had shared my intentions to file for divorce when one Sunday we were called to the altar. My spouse at the time, and I were called to the altar to have our marriage prayed over. A surprise altar call during a Sunday morning service… I have never in my entire life been so livid during a prayer. I can remember becoming angrier every minute that prayer continued. I can remember being pissed at every damn person who reached their hand towards that altar. My stomach began to hurt. My palms were sweaty. I was holding one of my children and I can remember my grasp tightening.
I didn’t bow my head.
I didn’t hold his hand.
I didn’t close my eyes and I think I may have been cursing in my head. No, I was in fact cursing in my head standing at that sacred altar.
In that moment, I didn’t want prayer to hold together a failing marriage that I no longer wanted to be in, I wanted prayer and support in my decision to leave.
Yes, prayer changes things, but sometimes we can pray for the wrong things. It was that very moment that my thinking began to change.
Dear church folk,
Please stop encouraging people to stay in toxic marriages after they’ve expressed their desire to leave. After they’ve told you they’re unhappy, and after they’ve turned down your offer for counseling and prayer. All in the name of God and your personal and religious beliefs! It’s selfish, and can be dangerous.
Let me be clear, my stance on divorce has no ties to my thoughts on marriage, and maybe one day I’ll talk about my thoughts on marriage.
I’ll end with this. The ability to file for divorce was MY ticket to freedom. The finalization of my divorce was my answered prayer.
Until next time…🦋

Weekly Style Roundup

This week’s style roundup features one look. Yes folks, that’s right! But this one look was fire!
This week we were blessed with some really good weather here in California, and by good I mean sun lol. While the days were cold, the sun was nice treat! This particular day began bright and sunny and I don’t know about you but there’s something magical about the sun, it puts me in a great mood!

The outfit…
I mean who said short shorts were just for winter? I decided to pair these stretchy H&M jean shorts ($14) with a Forever21 ribbed tank ($7), thrifted oversized mustard colored blazer (less than $4) from Savers, distressed tights and these spectacular thigh high boots ($72 splurge item) from ASOS!

I absolutely loved this look. The way I paired these shorts is a perfect way to integrate summer pieces into the winter. It’s all about layering! You don’t have to pack everything away, if you don’t want to. Those shorts, mini skirts, slip dresses and any other summer pieces can be worn in the winter.
Do you wear summer pieces in the winter?
That’s a wrap on this week’s look! Remember to keep it cute, comfortable and most important, keep it affordable!

2019, A Year of Lessons

Lessons, the best word to describe 2019. Without a doubt 2019 taught me several things about myself, and life in general. It also whooped my ass! You ever go through so much you question God’s intentions? Have to take a real good look at yourself? I literally said to God, “Bruh, I’m good on the lessons! I’m good for at least the next 5 years, easy.”

Here are a few things I learned in 2019:

  • Health is wealth only if you make it a priority
  • You can’t heal what you don’t confront
  • You can do a lot of things, but you can’t do all the things
  • More money won’t fix bad spending habits
  • The life you desire is on the other side of fear.
  • Age is really just a number
  • Parenting is a gift.
  • Saying no to things you hate is an act of self care.
  • Friends are a necessity.
  • A relationship is a partnership.
  • A spiritual foundation is a must.

What lessons did you learn in 2019 that will help you in 2020?

Until next time…🦋

Weekly Style Roundup

This week I’m giving you two very different looks! Since incorporating fashion into the blog, I’ve discovered so much about my style. I can say that I am extremely versatile and most definitely adventurous. I can be seen in sweats one day, and a pair of leather pants the next. That’s the beautiful thing about fashion, you make the rules!

Now let’s get into these looks!

Look Number 1. During the holidays I was in H&M (no surprise there) and while in the clearance section I came across this beautiful vintage looking green dress. I was immediately drawn to it and knew I had to have it! I found one left in my size…coincidence? I think not! The fact that it was marked down, just an added bonus. I decided to pair the dress with a pair of block heeled boots, and my beauty supply fave turban. The dress, $20.99. The boots are from ASOS and were $40.50. I’m definitely getting my money’s worth because of the versatility. I’ve worn them with so many things.

Look Number 2. Loved this look! This entire look is from Forever 21 minus the heels, those are from JustFab. The moto jacket I’ve had forever and quite honestly, it’s probably tired of being worn. This jacket pairs well with everything! Slacks, jeans, sweats… The pants and the turtleneck were part of the 50% off the whole store sale. Yes, you heard that right, 50% OFF THE ENTIRE STORE! Y’all I almost lost my entire mind. The pants are a cargo jogger. Very decent material and gives the snatched waist effect. The turtleneck is a staple in my wardrobe. This is a ribbed turtleneck with a sweater like material. As a kid I hated turtlenecks because I always felt like I was choking lol. My, have I grown! The pants, $15. The turtleneck, $7. Unfortunately, for this look I don’t have links. I scanned the items, but nothing came up. If I’m able to find the items, I’ll link them at a later time!

Until next time keep it cute, comfortable and most importantly, affordable!

Fenty Glossy Posse Mini Gloss Bomb Set – Product Review

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Fenty…need I say more? I’ve been a fan of the gloss bombs from day one, so when this cute little set was released, I knew I was going to purchase it! I am pretty basic and 100% consistent when it comes to my lipstick choices. I am a straight lipgloss or something in the nude/brown family but these glosses are far from basic!  I remember my first gloss bomb, I purchased the shade FUSSY. I’d seen it on a YouTube review and knew I had to have it. I generally shy away from pinks because as a black girl, the wrong shade of pink will have you looking real ashy. I knew after I opened it that the FUSSY shade would make an amazing top coat for my nude look, but I wanted to try it alone and when I did, I was amazed! It was absolutely gorgeous.

Now when I think of lipglosses, the first thing that comes to mind is sticky. Ugh, thinking about that glue like consistency of some glosses makes me cringe. The FENTY gloss bomb though, no stickiness at all! It’s actually very smooth and quite moisturizing! And can we talk about the scent? My goodness, it smells like candy, pink Strarburst to be exact.

Now let’s talk about this amazing set of minis.

I purchased this set during the holidays and was super thirsty so I opened them in the car. I decided to swatch them. Take a look!

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As you can see there is definitely some nice pigment. These glosses pair amazingly well with the “makeup no makeup” look and they totally make me feel like I’m back in the 90’s. They also make amazing top coats for your favorite lipsticks.

Let’s get into price.

This set retails for $42 at Sephora, not bad in my opinion. Would I recommend? Absolutely! So go out this weekend and pick one up, and pick one up for a friend.